Nicole vs. Life
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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