i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
