My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
