I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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