looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
