I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
