No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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