WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
