The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
