yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You dont lie about slip and slides
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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