I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
