Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
