please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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