So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
