and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
