I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
