i jhust puked up my retainher.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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