grandma shit on top of the toilet
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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