My liver just broke up with me...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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