she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
