She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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