he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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