You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
