I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
