Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
