I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
