she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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