My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
