Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
