I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
