Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she told me i tasted like america
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
