Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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