I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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