I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
