dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
