i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
