I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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