Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
