felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
