If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
