I have demons in me.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
