oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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