Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
