i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
