this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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