i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
