Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
