the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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