and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
