Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
