worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
