My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
