I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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