Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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